Stop Screaming at the Microwave: How to Connect Your Disconnected Life

Chapter One: When You Can't Keep Up

Hurried and worried until we are buried, and there's no curtain call, Life is a very funny proposition, after all.

-- George M. Cohan

I got home from work and flopped into my easy chair, totally exhausted. I turned on the answering machine and heard the baby-sitter for my (then) five-year-old son Nicholas. She explained how she had driven him to preschool that morning, walked into the classroom and saw before her nineteen little boys and girls, all sitting in a circle, wiggling with excitement, and...she noticed, each one of them was wearing a Halloween costume.

All of them except Nicholas.

She went on to describe (in brutal detail) how he had burst into tears, clung to her leg, and begged to go home.

OK. So Mother of the Year I wasn't. In fact, I felt like the worst parent on the planet. Despite my best efforts to keep all those plates spinning, I had let one fall. I had humiliated my child in front of his friends. I felt overwhelmed and exhausted, and I vowed then and there I would never let my life get so out of balance again.

But how? I had tried the superperson route and had failed. Yes, there were some days I could pull it off, sometimes even for days in a row. I just couldn't keep it up. I needed something a little more realistic. Surely there was a better way. (There is.)

We're All in the Same Boat

You might see yourself in this story. Whether it is failing to meet the needs of your family or failing to get it all done at work, many of us feel like we are doing just that: failing. No matter how hard we plan or work, it never seems to be enough.

We aren't alone. According to the National Study on the Changing Workforce, Americans are overwhelmed, exhausted, and constantly under stress from trying to accomplish more than we can handle. If you feel that you have too much to do and not enough time to do it, well, you are not imagining it. Actually, you are not in this predicament because you are failing in some way. There really is too much to do. We know we can't keep up. We are going 90 miles an hour and the faster we go, the farther behind we get.

Do you remember the Leave It to Beaver show? To many of us baby boomers who grew up with the show, the Cleavers were the perfect family. Part of our current frustration stems from the fact that we still cling to the "Cleaver ideal." Don't get me wrong: I have a lot of June Cleaver in me. I believe in the values we associate with that model. However, I discovered I was trying to run my life according to Cleaver Principles. I believed things like:

• I can solve all problems in thirty minutes.
  
  
• The division of labor between men and women is equal and agreed upon.
  
  
• I can always "be there."
  
  
• My idea of a juvenile delinquent was Eddie Haskell!
  

We live in a very different world than June and Ward experienced. In America, women now make up more than 50 percent of the workforce. One in two marriages ends in divorce. We have biological, open adoptive, single, joint-custody, step, foster, and surrogate mothers. We have in vitro, latchkey, and boomerang kids. And a dozen flavors of deadbeat, Disneyland, and dedicated dads. The Cleavers we're not. That doesn't mean family life has gone to hell in a handbasket. It means that we can believe in the values of days gone by -- with the understanding that our lives probably won't look like June and Ward's.

We Disconnect in the Name of Balance

I once listened to a man proudly announce that he was "going at breakneck speed to meet his deadline." I had a gut-wretching response to his words. I prayed his body would not obey his vicious command. I started listening carefully to how we describe our lives. I was flabbergasted at the language! Ask someone, "How are you?" and she might respond:

• "I'm hanging in there." Is she saying she needs a lifeline, not a noose?
  
  
• "I'm torn in a million directions." Would she rather be centered in one direction?
  
  
• "I am coming apart at the seams." Does she want her connections intact?
  
  
• "I am pulled in a dozen ways." Could she really be pleading to have her life together in one "peace"?
  

I was astonished to hear how we felt hung, torn, and pulled apart. Such pain! It sounded like I was on the set of the popular nineties television drama ER!

I could hear the cry for unity. We hurt and we attempt to relieve our psychic pain by disconnecting.

We Disconnect from Ourselves

First, we separate from our bodies. This is like ignoring the advice of a loyal devoted friend. Our bodies tell us when things are out of kilter. Initially, it informs us nicely; we get tired, thirsty, hungry, achy, short of breath, forgetful, or irritable -- and our pants get tight. Then, if we take no action, it talks louder and more urgently; we get ulcers, insomnia, headaches, chest pains, rashes, panic attacks -- and our pants get tighter. As a last resort, our bodies make final attempts to get our attention; we get heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, cancer, emphysema -- and our pants no longer fit at all. As the former director of the Hypertension Research Center at the University of Colorado, I saw patients regularly who insisted they had no symptoms before their heart attack, stroke, or bout with gout. In fact, we called hypertension the "silent killer" because people did not know anything was wrong.

How ridiculous! Of course our bodies talk to us -- over and over again. We have taught ourselves to override the early detection system that protects us. We rob ourselves of a healthy diet, adequate exercise, enough sleep, and good medical care because "we don't have time." We ignore our bodies in the name of balance and end up with a butt-related depression. Even our Wonder Bras have a limit to the miracles they can perform. We can't fool Mother Nature.

We Disconnect from Our Families

I will never forget the day I was at the computer, feeling pestered by the kids, when I shouted, "Leave me alone! Can't you see I am writing a book about connection?" Immediately thereafter, I developed a case of guilty writer's block. Who could blame me? Once again, in my zeal to get it all done, I disengaged from who I was and how I wanted to be. And I am not the only one who acts this way. My audience members tell me how they stay up late completing all the chores and end up too tired to hear about the delights of the day. They confess that their conversations deteriorate into "Who's picking up the kids?" "Can you get the shirts from the laundry?" "Your mother called -- again." They describe how they work hard to buy things that will make them look sexy and attractive, and then are too tired for romance. We disengage from what feels good. (And we still don't get it all done.)

We Disconnect from Others

Many of us could sit down right now and make a list of fifteen friends who we genuinely enjoy but haven't contacted in months, maybe even years. When we get overwhelmed we often cut out the very people who could help us the most: the ones who encourage, stimulate, and challenge us; the ones who know us warts and all and like us anyway; and especially those fun, zany friends who always make us laugh. God knows we could all use a good laugh. But we decide we are too busy right now and so we put our noses to the grindstone and try to solve our problems in a vacuum.

We Disconnect with the Big Picture

Feeling this disjointed, we can't find our way in the world. We doubt ourselves and our God. It is unsettling to be so out of touch. We want sublime balance and end up with confusion and uneasiness. Some of us lose hope.

What They Said Would Work...Doesn't

Ironically, many of the strategies we use to find balance actually disconnect us -- making us feel even worse. In an attempt to get everything completed we lock out our true emotions and shut ourselves off from who we really are and what we really want. The isolation and frenetic pace we create can literally make us sick. The sad part is that our valiant efforts don't work anyway -- there is still too much to do.

We Tried Time Management

Many time-management ideas are invaluable and I use them regularly. The problem with this strategy, however, is that for every hour that I allegedly "save," I have ten hours of demands competing for it. Many of us focus on our bottomless to-do lists, frustrated that there is never enough time -- and we are right -- we will never get more than twenty-four hours a day. So we speed up.

I read on the sports page this summer about a race car driver who, in a risky strategic maneuver, skipped the scheduled pit stop to try to win the race. His plan worked and he narrowly won -- and then he ran out of gas in the victory lap and had to be pushed back in. Isn't that exactly what some of us do? We maximize every minute, refusing to pull over for a pit stop so we can win our "race," and then we run out of gas on our victory lap: too exhausted to have fun on the weekends, too distracted to enjoy our evenings, or too full of health problems to savor our retirement.

"Time" itself is now controversial and the experts can't seem to agree on the truth about time. Some time-management researchers say we have more leisure time than ever. Others declare we could go home if we wanted to but work is so appealing and home so chaotic, we actually prefer the office. All this flies in the face of what real people tell me: "I don't have time for the important things in my life."

Whatever the real truth about time is, the perception by most is that we are out of sync. I believe the conflicting reports stem from the fact that time is not really the source of our dissatisfaction. We are disconnecting to cope -- and that is the opposite of what it will take to achieve harmony.

Is Living in the Moment the Answer?

I don't think so. I wish I were better at this. I know I could get a lot out of cherishing each minute but frankly, at some moments I want to: a) burst into tears and crawl into bed; b) eat the whole container of Häagen-Dazs; or c) ram the car ahead of me (not real hard, just enough to get the guy to go a little faster). If I focused on those moments I would definitely be disconnected...or so the officer explained.

pardWhat About Prioritizing?

Many experts tell us to live according to our priorities. OK, I'm game. So how do I do that? I understand and admire the concept of "first things first," but how do I use this advice on a day-to-day basis? I have a difficult time even ranking my priorities, and I bet you do, too. Is going to work my top choice so we don't lose the house? Is it more important to stay home with my child with the croup? (Only soon we wouldn't have any place in which to "stay home.") Or maybe I should call in sick and go to the gym and exercise because if I have a heart attack and die I can't pay the mortgage or raise a child. I know I have to live my life according to what's important -- and I try. It's just that I'm not sure on an hourly basis exactly what that looks like. On my hassled harried days I want to scream, "Which things first?" I can get bogged down trying to make every decision based on priorities. And it doesn't feel good. I second-guess myself and feel guilty for choosing one priority over the other.

Keep It Simple, Stupid

I also tried to simplify. I especially enjoyed Sarah Ban Breathnach's lovely book, Simple Abundance. Her strategies did help. But no matter how simple I made my life, complicated problems kept cropping up. The solutions to the problems weren't so easy to implement, either. The other barrier: I was not a great student of the craft. I did not want to ride the bus to my children's orthodontist, stop dry-cleaning my wool suits, or collect rainwater to wash my hair. I was the remedial reader of the simplicity movement. I discovered I could streamline my life but sometimes that took away the things I really liked. And there was a limit to how much I could cut out of my modern urban life. Taken to an extreme, I felt unattractive, dull, and muddled. My life was simple -- and boring.

Is the Secret to Just Get Organized and Delegate?

My problem is not getting organized -- it is staying organized. I don't know exactly where those piles come from, but no sooner do I get one down than another mysteriously pops up. I could devote my life to pile reduction. I tried that but just didn't find much levity in it. I finally got all my ducks in a row and then I realized I don't like ducks!

I also learned that my dependence on organization made me think I could have more and more things -- "I'll find a place for it." It reminded me of the Zen masters who teach that when we set our material standards so high, we are held in bondage by the things we ourselves hold in bondage. I hate to think of the weekends I've wasted sorting "stuff" that held me captive in my closet.

I am also the master of delegating. I can take what is on my desk and dump it on someone else's in the time it takes to say, "You do it." The gambit often works -- for a while. Then I get back to my office and find that the voice mail is full of requests and the heaps start again. Giving it to someone else didn't make me feel better. It didn't get me home any earlier or earn me more money or make me any friends. It did not connect me with anyone or anything.

I also wrote mission statements, made pie charts, and read my daily horoscope. I juggled until I was black and blue, and still I lagged behind. While all the strategies helped, they were not enough. I still hurt.

Time for a New Solution

Most of the strategies for balancing your work and home life focus on how to do more: work harder and faster and sleep less. We don't need to know how to do more. As one woman wrote to me, "I feel like a stretched rubber band about ready to pop." And we don't need government statistics, research findings, or fifty-two exciting ways to make chicken (after all, Domino's delivers).

We are smart. We know that our demands at work are not going to lessen, little elves are not going to suddenly start cleaning the bathroom, and an hour of daily, uninterrupted leisure time is not going to be a reality anytime soon. What we want most now is to experience some joy. We are tired of being tired. Many of us haven't felt good in a long time. This lack of excitement in our lives is a particularly bitter pill to swallow for a generation who grew up with the motto "If it feels good, do it."

We are desperately searching for ways to feel good. We buy Prozac in the convenient fifty-five-gallon-drum size, we channel-surf looking for something to entertain us, and we use retail therapy to buy some happiness. It is not hard to understand the recent increase in heroin overdoses, our debt-ridden society, or the epidemic of depression. In my fifteen years as a faculty member at the University of Colorado M...

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